Read the Introduction to the series.
Or read the first episode "I don't want to talk about that"
Or the second episode, Tempted to go back to all that
I messed up
I feel so awful. I said I wouldn't. I resisted the temptation that assaulted me for weeks on end. And then one night I didn't ask my father to help me resist, because I was too embarrassed to be tempted again, and I went out to take a walk, saying I'd be OK. I met old "friends". And I gave in.
Enough said.
How can I ever go back after this? Since I've been home the worst I've done is a couple spats with my brother and my father disciplined both of us.
I am afraid he won't take me back, not a second time.
I know he will but I have a hard time believing it. And what if my brother finds out? I don't think HE could forgive me- ever. Not for hurting my father again.
I need to listen to Kansas, "Hold on". Sadly, Kansas isn't born yet and there aren't any electric guitars. I tell you, life in first century Israel is just no fun. Enough said.
Here are the future lyrics anyway:
Look in the mirror and tell me
Just what you see
What have the years of your life
Taught you to be
Innocence dyin' in so many ways
Things that you dream of are lost
Lost in the haze
(Chorus)
Hold on, Baby Hold on
'Cause it's closer than you think
And you're standing on the brink
Hold on, Baby Hold on
'Cause there's something on the way
Your tomorrow's not the same as today
Don't you recall what you felt
When you weren't alone
Someone who stood by your side
A face you have known
Where do you run when it's too much to bear
Who do you turn to in need
When nobody's there
(Chorus)
Outside your door He is waiting
Waiting for you
Sooner or later you know
He's got to get through
No hesitation and no holding back
Let it all go and you'll know
You're on the right track
(Chorus)
This song bears hope for me.
prodigal son
christian
short stories
Showing posts with label Prodigal Son. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prodigal Son. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Prodigal son series n°2
Read the Introduction to the series.
Or read the first episode "I don't want to talk about that"
Sometimes, I miss my wayward days
My father knows this, and he promised he wouldn't let me leave, in a moment of folly. He might let me go for a night, if I didn't listen to him, but the next morning, he'd be there on his horse, with one for me, to come home. But if I left again, I'd break his heart. He will always love me, you know.
And if I go back to all that, I can expect discipline. He didn't discipline me when I came home the first time, because I was honestly repentant, and he organized a feast for me, his primary concern being to make me feel welcomed and loved. But if I choose to leave again, it's somehow worse, because I know the consequences and choose to leave anyway, so discipline is necessary.
I am at peace right now, but sometimes I am overwhelmed by guilt, or temptatioin to go back to all that.
When I came back, I ran into my father's arms, and I told him "I hope it isn't too late to say I love you". I just wanted to be a servant in his home- I could hardly expect more. Yet he took me in.
How can I avoid going back to all that?
By not dwelling on it: horses tend to avoid obstacles, but I figure that if one day we can drive without horses, lots of people will run into them because they'll be looking at the obstacles and not the road.
I just need to remember how low I sink, all the pain and guilt the next day.
And especially remember how leaving again would break my father's heart. He would forgive me again, but is that justification enough for hurting someone you love?
I guess thinking about the discipline and guilt does help somewhat, but that isn't the primary reason not to go back to all that, so if I begin to think it is, the day I can leave without anyone finding out, I'd do it. Sin doesn't have to be spectacular!
Most importantly, my father gives me the strength not to go back to all that. I am weak in that sense. Without him, I couldn't last a week.
christian
prodigal son
short stories
Or read the first episode "I don't want to talk about that"
Sometimes, I miss my wayward days
My father knows this, and he promised he wouldn't let me leave, in a moment of folly. He might let me go for a night, if I didn't listen to him, but the next morning, he'd be there on his horse, with one for me, to come home. But if I left again, I'd break his heart. He will always love me, you know.
And if I go back to all that, I can expect discipline. He didn't discipline me when I came home the first time, because I was honestly repentant, and he organized a feast for me, his primary concern being to make me feel welcomed and loved. But if I choose to leave again, it's somehow worse, because I know the consequences and choose to leave anyway, so discipline is necessary.
I am at peace right now, but sometimes I am overwhelmed by guilt, or temptatioin to go back to all that.
When I came back, I ran into my father's arms, and I told him "I hope it isn't too late to say I love you". I just wanted to be a servant in his home- I could hardly expect more. Yet he took me in.
How can I avoid going back to all that?
By not dwelling on it: horses tend to avoid obstacles, but I figure that if one day we can drive without horses, lots of people will run into them because they'll be looking at the obstacles and not the road.
I just need to remember how low I sink, all the pain and guilt the next day.
And especially remember how leaving again would break my father's heart. He would forgive me again, but is that justification enough for hurting someone you love?
I guess thinking about the discipline and guilt does help somewhat, but that isn't the primary reason not to go back to all that, so if I begin to think it is, the day I can leave without anyone finding out, I'd do it. Sin doesn't have to be spectacular!
Most importantly, my father gives me the strength not to go back to all that. I am weak in that sense. Without him, I couldn't last a week.
christian
prodigal son
short stories
Friday, June 09, 2006
I don't want to talk about that... (prodigal son series, 1)
If you havn't read the introduction to the series , please do so.
You probably know my story. Most people do. The prodigal son, finally home after taking all his father's money and spending it in the worst way...
But I don't really want to talk about that. It's ugly, which makes it juicy, but really, most importantly, it's over. Finished. I'm never going back to that.
Most people don't know exactly what happened. Obviously you do, because you've read about it, but back then, in my town, my father kept really quiet about it. He knew how ugly stories make the best gossip, and he wanted me to be able to come back and start living pretty normally without having to deal with everyone knowing why I left and what I did when I was gone: the gossip was bad enough without them knowing that. He wants everyone to mind their own buisness and deal with their own dirty laundry, not everyone else's.
So sometimes, when I talk about my ugly past and don't go into specifics, people who thought I was still acting like the boy they always knew either don't take me seriously and wonder if the "ugly past" I am referring to is actually the time I was throwing stones by the lake and hit a duck by mistake. Obviously I don't really want to set them straight.
And then there are some people who let their imaginations run wild, they imagine I was actually dealing drugs and coordinating a prostitution network and indulging in cannibalism whenever someone overdosed or whenever one of the "girls" died of exhaustion- or simply just for kicks.
I'll tell you one thing about my ugly past: it is neither of those assumptions.
The solution would be to not mention it AT ALL, but if I did that I'd feel like a hypocrite, I wouldn't be REAL, people would think of me as they always have, which isn't quite right, either.
So why exactly don't I want to talk about my past with people?
I think one of the main reasons is that, as I said, "the more you know, the juicier it gets". Theater is really very interesting (although pagan, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but it is one thing I don't regret about my past, I saw quite a few plays that were very interesting. Obviously you need discernment, which I didn't have back then but if I saw them again now I don't think it would be wrong). But one thing I noticed about the stories we watch on stage is that the characters are always behaving in such a way that they have problems later on, and solving them makes juicy stories. In theater, it's OK, as long as you don't spend your day watching it, because it's fictional, and the stories generally aren't ALWAYS gossip. The problem is when the juice is on our neighbors and friends.
Did you ever notice how some of the most self-righteous people are the ones who tell the most awful stories? They always know when a girl wound up pregnant or a guy killed his whole family after drinking too much, or how good 'ol Zach's son turned out to be gay, or about the latest orgy in the neighborhood... They like to tell those stories because it makes them feel good about themselves, because THEY, at least, would NEVER indulge in such sin. But they don't need to!!! If they could, without anybody knowing, they'd go to every orgy on the block! Instead, they just talk about it, fantasize about it, which turns them on nearly as much as actually accomplishing any of it would...
Everybody is like that, to a degree. You know, when leaving was the furthest thing from my mind, I was like that. "No, not me, never." I didn't go to any of the parties, not before leaving anyway. I just heard about them, saying I would never do that. Never. Well, one day, hearing about it just wan't enough anymore, it didn't give me the rush it used to, so I had to try it. Just a little. And it ate me alive.
So I'd rather not talk about it, because I don't want you to go down the same path as I did, or as the pharasees do: either indulging in sin, or in self-righteousness. Both are extremes, and I'm not sure which one is worse. Probably the self-righteousness, because when you have that attitude, how are you going to repent from it? You're not even conscious it's wrong... Jesus came to save the sick, not the "healthy". I knew I needed to come home, it was as plain as the nose on my face.
I also don't want to go into details, because that makes me have to actually think about them, remember what it was like.
Sometimes, I just disgust myself and although I know I've started anew, I get rushes of guilt.
Sometimes, worse, I remember how enjoyable it was at some times. Although sin is ugly, and has dreadful consequences, it's tempting for a reason. And if I think on my past too much, sometimes I am almost tempted to go back to all that.
So that is why I don't want to talk about my past, but rather about my father's love and how I can avoid making more mistakes.
christian
prodigal son
short stories
You probably know my story. Most people do. The prodigal son, finally home after taking all his father's money and spending it in the worst way...
But I don't really want to talk about that. It's ugly, which makes it juicy, but really, most importantly, it's over. Finished. I'm never going back to that.
Most people don't know exactly what happened. Obviously you do, because you've read about it, but back then, in my town, my father kept really quiet about it. He knew how ugly stories make the best gossip, and he wanted me to be able to come back and start living pretty normally without having to deal with everyone knowing why I left and what I did when I was gone: the gossip was bad enough without them knowing that. He wants everyone to mind their own buisness and deal with their own dirty laundry, not everyone else's.
So sometimes, when I talk about my ugly past and don't go into specifics, people who thought I was still acting like the boy they always knew either don't take me seriously and wonder if the "ugly past" I am referring to is actually the time I was throwing stones by the lake and hit a duck by mistake. Obviously I don't really want to set them straight.
And then there are some people who let their imaginations run wild, they imagine I was actually dealing drugs and coordinating a prostitution network and indulging in cannibalism whenever someone overdosed or whenever one of the "girls" died of exhaustion- or simply just for kicks.
I'll tell you one thing about my ugly past: it is neither of those assumptions.
The solution would be to not mention it AT ALL, but if I did that I'd feel like a hypocrite, I wouldn't be REAL, people would think of me as they always have, which isn't quite right, either.
So why exactly don't I want to talk about my past with people?
I think one of the main reasons is that, as I said, "the more you know, the juicier it gets". Theater is really very interesting (although pagan, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but it is one thing I don't regret about my past, I saw quite a few plays that were very interesting. Obviously you need discernment, which I didn't have back then but if I saw them again now I don't think it would be wrong). But one thing I noticed about the stories we watch on stage is that the characters are always behaving in such a way that they have problems later on, and solving them makes juicy stories. In theater, it's OK, as long as you don't spend your day watching it, because it's fictional, and the stories generally aren't ALWAYS gossip. The problem is when the juice is on our neighbors and friends.
Did you ever notice how some of the most self-righteous people are the ones who tell the most awful stories? They always know when a girl wound up pregnant or a guy killed his whole family after drinking too much, or how good 'ol Zach's son turned out to be gay, or about the latest orgy in the neighborhood... They like to tell those stories because it makes them feel good about themselves, because THEY, at least, would NEVER indulge in such sin. But they don't need to!!! If they could, without anybody knowing, they'd go to every orgy on the block! Instead, they just talk about it, fantasize about it, which turns them on nearly as much as actually accomplishing any of it would...
Everybody is like that, to a degree. You know, when leaving was the furthest thing from my mind, I was like that. "No, not me, never." I didn't go to any of the parties, not before leaving anyway. I just heard about them, saying I would never do that. Never. Well, one day, hearing about it just wan't enough anymore, it didn't give me the rush it used to, so I had to try it. Just a little. And it ate me alive.
So I'd rather not talk about it, because I don't want you to go down the same path as I did, or as the pharasees do: either indulging in sin, or in self-righteousness. Both are extremes, and I'm not sure which one is worse. Probably the self-righteousness, because when you have that attitude, how are you going to repent from it? You're not even conscious it's wrong... Jesus came to save the sick, not the "healthy". I knew I needed to come home, it was as plain as the nose on my face.
I also don't want to go into details, because that makes me have to actually think about them, remember what it was like.
Sometimes, I just disgust myself and although I know I've started anew, I get rushes of guilt.
Sometimes, worse, I remember how enjoyable it was at some times. Although sin is ugly, and has dreadful consequences, it's tempting for a reason. And if I think on my past too much, sometimes I am almost tempted to go back to all that.
So that is why I don't want to talk about my past, but rather about my father's love and how I can avoid making more mistakes.
christian
prodigal son
short stories
Introduction to the Prodigal Son series
I was listening to Avalon, and I'll paste the lyrics here. I really can relate to that song.
And I felt like writing. So I decided to write short "journal" entries by the prodigal son who just got home. And also by the other brother. So it's somewhat about me, personally, but not entirerly. It's more about everyone, I think.
I hope you enjoy it :)
Feel free to leave comments.
Avalon - Always Have, Always Will Lyrics
Part of me is the prodigal
Part of me is the other
brother
But I think the heart of me
Is really
somewhere between them
Some days I'm running wild
Some days we're reconciled
But I wonder all the
while
Why you put up with me, when...
I wrestle
most days
To find ways to do as I please
CHORUS
I always have, I always will
You saved me
once, You save me still
My longing heart, Your love alone
can fil
You always have, always will
I was born
with a wayward heart
Still I live with a restless spirit
My soul is so well worn
You'd think I'd have
arrived by now
I'm caught in the trappings of
My
search for lasting love
I've made mistakes enough
To last me a lifetime
I still slip, I still fall
But I'll always run back to you
CHORUS
I'm gonna keep trusting You
I see what
You've seen me through
I'm goin' where You
have gone (yeah)
I'm letting You lead me on
All
my days (always and forever)
Never far (never leave me
never)
Here I'll stay (ever love me ever)
Here's my heart
I'll always love You, love You
(yeah)
CHORUS 2X
Oh, You always have, You
always will
christianprodigal sonshort stories
And I felt like writing. So I decided to write short "journal" entries by the prodigal son who just got home. And also by the other brother. So it's somewhat about me, personally, but not entirerly. It's more about everyone, I think.
I hope you enjoy it :)
Feel free to leave comments.
Avalon - Always Have, Always Will Lyrics
Part of me is the prodigal
Part of me is the other
brother
But I think the heart of me
Is really
somewhere between them
Some days I'm running wild
Some days we're reconciled
But I wonder all the
while
Why you put up with me, when...
I wrestle
most days
To find ways to do as I please
CHORUS
I always have, I always will
You saved me
once, You save me still
My longing heart, Your love alone
can fil
You always have, always will
I was born
with a wayward heart
Still I live with a restless spirit
My soul is so well worn
You'd think I'd have
arrived by now
I'm caught in the trappings of
My
search for lasting love
I've made mistakes enough
To last me a lifetime
I still slip, I still fall
But I'll always run back to you
CHORUS
I'm gonna keep trusting You
I see what
You've seen me through
I'm goin' where You
have gone (yeah)
I'm letting You lead me on
All
my days (always and forever)
Never far (never leave me
never)
Here I'll stay (ever love me ever)
Here's my heart
I'll always love You, love You
(yeah)
CHORUS 2X
Oh, You always have, You
always will
christianprodigal sonshort stories
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