I always have been and I always will be.
This is an open letter to people who feel I've changed in a bad way. This is an open letter to anyone who is afraid of geeks.
Geeks can be scary. They know stuff about computers -- in fact they spend most of their time on them. They use verbs like "google it", phrases like "check it out on wikipedia". They think that /*no comment*/ is funny.
I'm the type of person who gets phrases like: "in a free world, why do we need windows and gates?"
Sometimes it gets to the point where it's all they talk about - or almost. Especially when they're learning.
But a geek doesn't have to know anything about computers. In our society that's what geeks are mostly known for- but you can be a geek and never touch a computer. Geeks are all about knowledge. At least I am.
Geeks can often cite from memory lines from entire movies, speak elvish (as defined by Tolkien), or read math books for fun.
I have always been a geek and always will be.
Geeks are interested in knowledge- general knowledge of course, but they have a special liking for the trivial!! Which can also be scary.
What's nice about being a computer geek is you can be paid to program. It's a special way of applying math, and logic, to create things and have a "real" job. (knowing Tolkien's works by heart or being able to compose an encyclopedia about Narnia would be fun -- but it's not a "real" job)
I started my interest in computers pretty late in life, and very fast, so that some of you don't recognize me anymore. But if you think- really think- it makes sense. I've always been the type to solve sudoku puzzles, I'm been obsessed with Narnia, Star Wars, many TV shows and science fiction in general. In high school I did math on my free time just for kicks, I'd try and see if I could prove the results and theorems we learned in class. I even programmed my calculator. I've always liked technology and I always thought it would be cool to know how it worked (remember when I played video games all the time?)
Another reason this isn't surprising is that I naturally have a love and feel for different languages. Programming is like learning to speak to your computer in a language it understands. It's also an application of math.
I've always been excited about learning. And since I specifically started to know computers late in life, I've learned a lot in a very short time. Which means, that to catch up, I work a lot. Hours every day. Learning what words mean. Learning how to program stuff.
And I finally feel like I'm meeting poeple who understand my way of thinking. Geeks are everywhere, but there are a lot more of them in computer science college! And in Japanese class (geeks tend to like Japan, too).
I'm still the same person. I'm sorry if I talk about computers all the time. (I'll try to work on that)
But it's what I do to work (studies), what I do for fun, and what my friends do. In college that's what most of my conversations are about. So I get used to talking about it.
But as I said, I'm the same person. I still love the Lord (and I'm a geek about reading my Bible, too!! I love studying it, going deeper into the text, reading commentaries, discussing it)
I still love sharing my faith and evangelism.
I still love playing the guitar, although I've lost the habit, which I regret, and I'm going to get back into it (guitarists are geeks, too. sometimes when talking to a guitarist about something completely unrelated, they'll get this LOOK in their eyes).
I still love math, although I feel slightly inadequate because I havn't been working on it as much as I used to. (I've been mainly concentrating on learning programming, and japanese)
I still want to go to Japan. If you really ever knew me, you know this.
I still love to read. For those of you who saw me this summer, my nose was almost always in a book. And not just geek-books. Fiction. Including a really good romance series.
I'm still romantic. I'm still with Daniel and very happy of that (2 years now!).
More about my relationship with God. I talk a lot less about it, but in a way, it's deeper than ever before. It's more real to me, more vital than ever. I know that without God in my life I am nothing. Perhaps you don't see that, blinded by the fact that I talk about computers.
But my geek friends all know I'm a christian who is serious about my faith.
Sometimes we have really good discussions about that, too. Debates. Generally, the people I meet are rather cynical about God.
I just don't talk about my faith in christian settings as frequently or as directly. You may need to start out with some "small talk" (NOT Smalltalk) first -- which makes sense. Often times you ask me about my day, and I say what I did. I rarely go into details-- but just ONE technical (not so technical, usually) term makes you think I'm into geek mode-- which I generally am not. Usually I say something like "today I worked on the website but I'm having trouble with my CSS" and then, unless you know something about CSS, I'm totally ready to talk about something else. Like how I'm doing spiritually, how you're doing, what you've learned.
At agape, well, there are other geeks. Including Yannick. So sometimes we talk about geek stuff and you get the feeling I don't talk about anything else. Perhaps since I don't come to ciné- discussion anymore you think I'm no longer interested in philosophical discussions, in long talks about God, grace and salvation (my favorite subject EVER). But talking spirituality just to talk about spirituality isn't my thing. (Anymore. Believe me, you don't want to know little miss Pharasee :p)
My blog. For one, I don't really have much time to blog anymore, and I try to stick to a topic. Computers. It's not like my Prodigal Son series was a huge success. I still write them sometimes, you know. I like writing. I even love writing. I just don't have time and I don't feel like people respond to my writing. So please don't judge the state of my life by my blog.
I'm having a lot of struggles right now in my life. I don't really want to go into details, but I don't really always want to talk about it. I have my up days and my down days, I have days where I snap at people, where I'm so tiered *yawn* but I'm working on that. I have days where I'm just so sick and tiered of always messing up on things I should know better. Don't we all? Don't we all have struggles? Isn't it a normal part of growing? And when I do want to talk about it I either feel judged or like people aren't listening.
But I also have my good days. And my relationships in general are better than ever. I have lots of friends, of the good sort, in college. Lots of casual friends, lots of closer friends, and I still try to stay in touch with my old friends (although sometimes I feel like they're not trying that hard). I still care about people. Geek doesn't mean heartless.
I've always felt so lonely and inadequate in groups, and I'm finally getting over that, I feel like finally people don't make fun of me as much anymore. College is a wonderful experience compared to high-school or worse, middle school.
Conclusion: take me as I am. I'm probably one of the rare people who is willing to talk about anything. Any topic. Try me. If I don't know about it, I'll read up on it on wikipedia! I want to learn, I want to grow,
